a little honesty and a little hiatus

hoping for a blessing from the Goddess of Mercy!

It's a new year and usually I like to make a bunch of resolutions or goals; but this last year has been  kind of a disaster when it comes to goal completion. I have to admit I've been a bit depressed about it.

I kept watching colleagues online that seem to be able to juggle their events and promotion and health and family and friends and books effortlessly and have driven myself to despair with comparisons. That Author is able to write four hundred beautiful novels, go to the gym for three hours a day, raise a family with six perfect kids and is the wittiest person on the internet! This Author does five hundred school visits a year but still is able to get a two hundred incredible books completed and go on date nights with wonderful spouse!

For the past year, I've been trying to figure out the magic formula. Can I work harder? Can I work later at night? Earlier in the morning? Stand on my head? But I still couldn't get it together. What could I do to be like Other Author?

And the answer is...nothing. Because I will never be like Other Author. Because Other Author is not me. Yes, Other Author can juggle the sun, moon, all the planets and all the stars and that is wonderful for Other Author. But I have come to accept that I am not a good juggler. That doesn't mean I don't have my good points, but trying to be someone I am not is a waste of energy (and making me even a poorer juggler). This year, I am just going to try to accept that my limitations are what make me who I am.

This doesn't mean that I do not strive for excellence, in fact it's the opposite. It's because I refuse to give up my ambition that I accept defeat. Other Author can do everything and somehow be brilliant at all of it. I cannot. I have to choose.

So, all of this is to say two things to you, my very patient reader. First, and most importantly, is  that I love interacting with you and am always so, so honored when I hear from anyone. But, ever since Rain Dragon arrived, I've been a poor responder and I truly apologize. I hope you understand my lack of response is more about my poor balancing skills than it is about my affection towards you.

Second is...I must write my novel. I want it to be good, for you and for myself. And because of that, I'm going to be temporarily taking a hiatus from this blog and most of my social media until I at least get the first draft finished. I hope it won't be too long, but I really don't know when I'll be back. If you'd like to stay in touch with my doings, please sign up for my newsletter, which for the time being will be my most active outgoing info.

Thank you so much and hope to see you all again soon!

on my desk monday

On my desk are an assortment of lovely holiday cards from friends and family which have shamed me. Despite my best intentions, I didn't even make Christmas cards, much less send any. But there's always Chinese New Year, right?

on my desk monday

Pretty fabric! These are going to make curtains & cushions for Rain Dragon's room and the studio. That is if I can get over my fear of the sewing machine!

13 resolutions for 2013

Every year I make resolutions (or as my friends the BRG prefer to call them "goals"). Sometimes I achieve them (donating my hair, finishing my novel), other times not so much.  Last year, with Rain Dragon on the way, my only goal was to have a healthy and happy baby (which I am so grateful  came true!).  But this year, I'm going back to the resolution tradition, though I like to pretend that I don't have to start until Chinese New Year (Feb 10th, Year of the Snake!).

1. Loosen up. With upcoming school visits and work demands, I need to be able to let Rain Dragon be cared for by others. Truthfully, this might be harder on me than on her. But the goal is to spend time away from the baby without guilt and be confident that she'll be fine. This will be my biggest challenge this year.

2. Eat healthier. More salad! I've been indulging my sweet tooth a bit too much recently...

3.  Move to the new house with as little stress as possible. Because who needs more stress? To try to achieve this goal, we are moving slowly...which may or may not help.

4. Let go. Selling the condo is fraught with emotion for me, as well as declutter-ing that is a part of moving. I have to remind myself constantly that these items are not my memories and that getting rid of things does not mean I love any less.

5. Donate. Time, unfortunately, is limited these days and I can't do the charity I've done in the past. So, instead I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and purge my flat files as well as do a good deed. I want to donate a big chunk of my art to someplace like the Kerlan or the Dodd Center as well as smaller organizations that could use it well.

6. Decorate. I want to decorate the living room, studio and baby's room in a way that I love. I've decided to leave the other rooms for next year, I figured I should keep these goals achievable!

7. Sew. I want to finally get over my fear of the sewing machine and sew curtains and babyclothes--get over my fear of the sewing machine and finally get to use the fabrics I've been stockpiling for years.

8. Write. I want (and need) to nail down a plot (and hopefully a draft) of my new (and perhaps final) novel. I have all these nebulous ideas floating around but nothing concrete--time to start making things solid.

9. Illustrate.  Strangely, I now think of myself more as an author than an illustrator these days. In some ways, I think my illustration growth has stagnated because I've been stretching  and focusing so much on writing. I'd like to get back to my illustration roots a bit  and growing in that direction, focusing on...

10. New books. Baby books or a new picturebook--more ideas (Star Baby wants to be born!) that need to be nailed down and brought to fruition.

11. Branch out.  With Rain Dragon around, I've had to start cutting down on school visits which is painful on the pocketbook. Babies= increased expenses + decreased income = not a good combo! So I've been trying to think of ways to make extra income without having to leave home. Right now the two ideas I have are offering portraits (though I need to see how well the winners' portraits come out first) or making & selling Chinese flashcards, but I'm not sure if either are going to be financially feasible...

12. Connect. All these goals are well and good, but people--baby, husband, family and, yes, readers!--must have a place, too. I want to make sure for all my personal goals in which I focus inward, I also spend time outward.

13. Remember. Every year has its low points and I know this year will have its share. When that happens, and even when it doesn't, I want remember how lucky I am. Life is a wonderful thing--sweet and sour--and I want to make sure I live it --a sentiment that I now realize, in hindsight, is partially inspired by the words of  Maurice Sendak:

on my desk monday

Step one to keeping my new year's resolutions!

2011

Ack! Today is the the first day of the year (and also 1-1-11! That has to mean something!). Resolution time! 2010 was quite a wonderful and memorable year for me, So even though I had a lot of resolution fails last year (#5 and #9 were epic failures), I feel pretty content.

But I still hope to accomplish things in 2011! I have thought a great deal this year's resolutions, some are repeats from last year but with a different viewpoint (which I hope makes them more accomplish-able!):

1. Learn Chinese. I've been an embarrassing Chinese School failure for a long time and this is the year I plan on remedying that. I want to at least be able to have a basic conversation in Mandarin. My schedule doesn't allow for classes until the summer, but in the meantime I've plunked the money down for Rosetta Stone & dedicated lingual chats with my Mom.

2. Appreciate my readers. Ah, same as last year, but needed more this year! I said that if my FB fanpage ever reaches 1000 fans I'd give everyone cupcakes. I'm at 1337 fans now and still no cupcakes. I have an inkling of an idea of how to do it..hopefully it will happen in 2011!

3. Stop waiting. You know those people who keep plastic on their furniture to keep it good? Or have those nice plates dusting away on a high shelf because they are only to be used for special occasions that never happen? I'm kind of like that. During my Newbery dress search, I acquired a number of pretty clothes that lay unworn while I waited for something special. This is silly. What am I waiting for? In the Tao Te Ching, there is a line about how a cup is only valuable when it is holding something, when it is being used. That means not using items because they are so valuable actually makes them worthless. I'm going to stop waiting and use the things I own. And make everyday a special occasion!

4. Find peace with things outside my control. There's always going to be somebody who's going to find my books boring, my art unappealing, or my personality annoying. Things like that are pretty common for all authors--for all people, actually--yet, I let it get to me much more than I should. My job is to carve out my bit of happiness with the rock I've been given and that is what I need to remember.

5. Seize the day. This ties into #3 and #4. I have some ambitious dreams that I've done nothing about because I've hoped that an opportunity would present itself (#3) and because I've been afraid of others might think it's stupid or that I am getting full of myself (#4). For example, I would absolutely adore Ling and Ting to be PBS cartoon. And while I know it's a long shot, I feel like I should at least try and give it a shot. Anyone know how to pitch an idea to PBS?

6. Balance. This is something on my list every year and I've never achieved it. I regressed to blob state more times in 2010 than ever before. sigh. School visits, traveling, creating books, being healthy-- someday I will find a way to balance my life. Maybe this year?

7. Clean my studio once a month. I wanted to say every week but that resolution would be broken pretty quickly. I have to make realistic, achievable goals, y'know.

8. Figure out Social Media. Or at least what I am doing with it. Right now, I have a blog. This blog has posts that tweet, show up on my FB page and provide content for my newsletter. Maybe that is okay. Or should the newsletter have something special just for newsletter readers? FB something different just for FB readers? Tweets that are not just broadcasting my posts, but are bits of conversation? Do I want to do that? Do I have time to do that? I'm not sure but this year I'm going to figure it out.

9. Charity. In 2010, instead of one large project like smallgraces, I participated a number of small charity projects (with ATASK, Hyde Park Suzuki, Open Fields and 826LA) which I was proud of. I'm not sure if I will continue with small project participation or think up another large one, but I definitely wish to continue.

10. Write without sugar. I have a bad habit of ingesting sweet things while writing. Well, I have a bad habit of ingesting sweet things all the time, but while writing is particularly troublesome. Somehow I have connected the creative process with high amounts of sugar intake (perhaps this is why some of my writing gets overly sentimental!) and this is not good . Which is why I will not do it in 2011!

11. Have Faith. Every year, I have the same literary goal. But this year I am tying it into resolutions #4 and #5. For a while, I have been hearing and reading is how the book industry is dead or dying. There will be no more books and authors will be lucky to have any readers or make any money (much less make a living). It's been enough to tempt me to give up on the whole book thing and try to become a cupcake decorator (though now the cupcake trend is over too).

It's quite stressful. I don't want to bury my head in the sand, so I do plan to try put new opportunities if they feel right (#5). But if I truly grasp resolution #4 (make peace with things I cannot control) and create a story/art/book to the absolute best of my ability, I have to believe there will be an audience to share it with.

I have to believe what I do is of value and others value it too. Or else what's the point of making any resolutions at all, right?

Happy 2011, all!

2010

It's almost 2010! Unfortunately, unlike last year, 10 is not a particularly lucky number in Chinese culture. However, it is not unlucky either (tremble for the year 2014!) so perhaps it's a good time to look over the last year and make realistic, attainable goals for the upcoming.

Hmm, so how did I do in 2009? Not too bad. I learned how to make a frosting flower and donated my hair. I even made dumplings, though not as many as I wanted to (I didn't do the Lin family recipe as planned). I tried to write my novel to the very best of my ability as well the promotion of it. Of course, in hindsight, I can always see where I could've done better, could've done more but I guess that is what 2010 is for!

So with that, I'll try to look forward. Here are my ten, hopefully attainable, goals for 2010:

1. Preserves. And I mean jam and marmalade! I want to learn how to make jam. Really! It is something I have always wanted to do since reading Anne of Green Gables. And you know how much I love that.

2. Be the change I want to see. This, of course, could be very lofty but since I want to keep things attainable, I've decided that to focus on smaller scale ideals. A while back, fellow blogging author Kimberly Baker asked the blogosphere "Where's the MG?" bemoaning the fact that while YA books generate a lot of online "buzz," younger novels are, on the whole, overlooked. After embracing promotion for the last year (see #8), I'm inclined to agree with her. So, I've decided that this next year I'm going to start featuring MG books that I like. They won't be reviews because there won't be any scientific rhyme or reason to it except that I like the book (and I have particular taste which is probably best described as old-fashioned). And, I think I will talk about old classics as well as new favorites. So look forward to Book Talk Tuesdays 2010!

3. Board Books. I love writing novels, illustrating picturebooks and in 2010 I'll be publishing an early reader too. I think the greatest moment in my career so far has been when a mother told me, "My kids grew up with your books." It was such a neat feeling, that by writing different genres, my books were keeping up with the kids' reading levels & interests. In 2010, my main focus will be on the genres I have already established (most particularly a new novel, hopefully) but I want to start thinking of new ideas for the other ages. How neat it would be for a baby to start with a board book by me and then slowly move up to the other books as he/she grows? What a lovely dream!

4. Progress. These past couple of years I've tried really hard to create the best book I could. And for my abilities at that time, I think I did okay. But as I said earlier, now looking back, I can always see where I could've done better. I want to take everything I've learned and create something even better.

5. Schedule. And to achieve #4, I want to create a better writing schedule for myself. I tend to write in the "binge & purge" method, which is not very practical. In 2010, I'm going to try to write everyday, even if it is only a paragraph.

6. Fondant. I learned the frosting flower, now I'd like to learn how to make beautiful fondant ones...like this:

7. Relax. As some of you may have suspected, I'm in a really happy relationship (with a Squatchie) but I've been very reluctant to mention it acquaintances and even friends. I guess I have been shy about people knowing about it because I'm scared of judgements, like it being "too soon" after Robert. But this year it will be three years since his death; and since I know Robert would be okay and happy about the new direction of my life, I'm going to start believing everyone else will be too.

8. Appreciate my readers. Not that I don't appreciate them now (THANK YOU!) but this past year has been a whirlwind of promotion for me, from the thrill of the Parents' Choice Award to the excitement of the Today Show. It's hard not to get caught up with ambitions, hopes and dreams of bigger and better prizes. But the truth is while accolades are flattering and promotion is necessary for a book's survival, I think true greatness is found elsewhere.

9. Balance Better I do quite a few school visits to pay the bills (little known truth--most mid-list authors such as myself support themselves through school visits, not books!), and while I truly do enjoy them--they also wipe me out. There is also usually a lot of traveling involved as well. It's really hard for me, someone whose natural state is introverted, to do large amounts of visits, be creative, and try to be healthy as well as be a normal person (I've regressed into a blob more times than I like to admit in 2009). In 2010, I want to balance all of it (especially the being healthy part) better.

10. Charity. Just like last year, I feel strongly about continuing the spirit of charity. While I am finished with the small graces project and am happy to pass the reins to other artists, I still want to contribute to the world in my own small way. How? Not exactly sure yet, but will let you know!

So that will be my 2010, at least I hope so. We shall see! In the meantime, may you all have a great New Year!

2009

2008 is almost over! The number 8 in Chinese culture is lucky, so 2008 was supposed to be a lucky year. Looking back, it was rather a good year for me. I fulfilled some dreams--like walking on the Great Wall of China and visiting Taiwan with my parents. I also finished my novel which definitely took some luck.

The number 9 is synonymous with longevity in Chinese culture (hope that bodes well for the longevity WHERE THE MOUNTAIN MEETS THE MOON!), so 2009 is a year to think of long term ambitions. Here are 9 of my personal goals for the year (some are a little less aspiring than others):

1. Write a new good novel. Make books without any excuses-- work that I know that I have done to the best of my ability so that it doesn't matter what anyone says.

2. Grow my hair at least 3 more inches so I can donate it. This is actually kind of hard, because my hair is driving me a little crazy. I haven't had it this long for a while.)

3. Charity. Robert's Snow is a project that I am proud of but, not only is it too much responsibility for me to take on again, it is also a project of the past that, for now, I want to leave in the past. But I feel strongly about my art and charitable giving...so I'm working on a new project that will be revealed in the new year. Stay tuned!

4. Make dumplings. This is something I haven't done since I was a child with my mother. If I remember correctly, they were far superior than store-bought ones. I think this is a good year to find out if that is true.

5. Participate. I read a fair amount of blogs and lists but I never comment. I rarely even respond to comments on my own blog. I guess I am still in a weird-shy-lurking phase...that I will get over this year.

6. Do every school visit to the best of my ability. I've booked quite a few visits this spring, and I am SO grateful and honored that schools have requested me. The only problem is that sometimes my introverted nature takes over and students, schools, librarians and teachers begin to blur. I am going to make a special effort to check myself this year.

7. Learn how to make a frosting flower. I really want to get some impressive cake decorating skills down!

8. Embrace marketing, but know my limits. In this current climate, I need to give my books all the help they can get. I don't want to be QVC salesperson, but I'd like to get as many people who might be interested in my new book know about it.

9. Be thankful. No matter what this year brings, I know there will always be something to be grateful for. With thankfulness, nothing is ever that bad and the best things are even better. And that is something I hope stays with me for a long, long time.